Jokes apart

Winning Oscar awards for the film “Slumdog millionaire” has created a lot of excitement and discussion in the Indian media. One worthy politician has trashed the film makers for so poorly portraying India and the Indians that he feared it would adversely affect the tourism industry in the coming years! On the other hand there are some who feel that the film would promote tourism - just as the “Dhobi ghats” of Mahalaxmi in Mumbai is a “must see” tourist spot - many foreign tourists would want to visit the Dharavi slums for first hand experience of the human excrement and filth as seen in the film! Some feel that the tourist rush to these slums would become so great that smart entrepreneurs would soon set up artificial slums in many cities as tourist attractions! All the states would be on competition mode to set up slums by offering attractive incentives to set up slums for the tourists! To spend a day in the slum would become an integral part of the tourist itinerary! Come to think of it, a high official of the British Government recently spent a night in a thatched cow shed in Sultanpur in UP, literally sleeping with a cow! Since he had for company a high profile young and upcoming Congress leader sharing the cow shed, one wonders, weather the thatched cow shed was after all, air conditioned for the comfort of the high profile occupants! The authorities must have made it sure (by washing out the cow’s stomach and starving it) that during the short time the dignitaries shared the thatched shed with the lucky cow; it did not drop massive quantities of dung and offend them!

Recently, I met a middle aged French couple in the Rajdhani Express, while I was traveling from Bangalore to Delhi. This couple had visited many places in India during the past one month and was on their way back to Delhi to catch a flight to Paris at midnight the next day. They had somehow got confused about the arrival time in Delhi and took the train because they thought that it would reach Delhi the next evening by 5 PM well before the departure of their plane at midnight. When I told them that the train would be reaching Delhi only the day after, at 5 AM, they were shocked because they would then miss their flight to Paris. However, I suggested to him that, they could get down at Secunderabad in the morning next day and catch a flight to Delhi so that they did not have to miss the flight to Paris. He did as I suggested and I hope he reached Paris without further hassles! The confusion arose because people told him that Rajdhani Express was a prestigious fast train with limited number of stops and he mentally calculated the time to cover a distance of about 2400KM to be not more than 24 hours at the most! Trains in France should not take more than 10 to 12 hours to cover this distance!

The Frenchman told me that he lived in Marseilles and that he was a professor in the University. His wife had a fascination for India from her childhood and she believed that she was a Hindu in her past life and had lived in India! She had always wanted to visit the holy places of India and they decided to come on a tour after long planning. They visited many places including Kashi, Allahabad, Rishikesh, Hardwar, Puttaparathi, Pondicherry, Kochi etc. He talked about their most horrible experience in Kashi of seeing half burnt human bodies floating in the holy river Ganga, the head turning with the waves this way and that way as though the bodies still had life in them! After that experience his wife was not very sure that she was an Indian Hindu in her past life!

Some months ago I hired a taxi in Delhi to go to Mathura and Vrindavan. My friends in Delhi had warned my wife about the unruly behavior of the “Pandas” or the guides in Vrindavan. I had told the driver that I was not interested to engage any guide or Panda to show me around, and that he should take me to the temples in both the places. As we turned from the highway, a few kilometers from Vrindavan shrine the Pandas tried to stop the car. The driver told us that he would not enter into any argument with the Pandas because he feared that he and his vehicle would be harmed if he supported us. These rough and fierce looking goons were very intimidating and threatening and we had great difficulty in shaking them off. They become very querulous and dangerous when they find that the outsider would not budge. It is the same experience in Pushkar in Rajasthan, Kashi in UP, or Rameswarom in Tamil Nadu. I wonder what impressions our esteemed foreign tourist would take home after such experiences. I suppose one should not see a foreignhand in all that is going wrong in our dear India!! 

The Communists are fed up with agitations and unruly behaviour of not only the opposition parties in the two Communist ruled states in the country, West Bengal and Kerala but also their own cadres in some cases. The beleaguered Chief Minister of Bengal is doing his best to appease the feisty leader of the opposition so that the Tata car project does not shift out from his state. The whole country is looking forward with interest to see the outcome of the dealings and wheeling! The Chief Minister admits that he is so helpless when his own party members attack him for his policies which are against the Party ideology that he keeps mum!! Mum indeed!!

In Kerala, a top Communist leader who is also a member of the Central Politburo recently lashed out at the members of one of their unions who regularly harass ordinary people and industry by demanding their right to load/unload materials from trucks trains etc and charge excessive rates for the work done or not done. What is objected to by the leader is the demand for asking for wages for work not done! The Malayalam term used for this is “Nokku kuly”, which may be roughly translated as “wages for watching”. If you need the services of a porter you will not find one easily, because most of the unionist comrades would be hiding. Just invisible! But remember, they are watching! The moment you somehow manage to load/unload your things with the help of friends, relatives etc, union leaders would materialise from thin air and demand money for the work someone has done which deprived them of their rights to do the work, for which they are entitled to!! They can be very argumentative!!

Recently a friend visited Alapuzha in Kerala on some business matter and he narrated a

Bizarre experience encountered there. He did not carry any baggage because he was not planning an overnight stay there and he travelled by bus from Kochi to Alapuzha a distance of 80 KM or so. As soon as the bus reached Alapuzha and the man got down from the bus, some porters surrounded him and asked him to hand over the luggage. The man did not even carry a brief case and therefore he escaped lightly. Later his client in Alapuzha told him that he was fortunate that he got off lightly because at times a weary traveller would have to face a volley of questions from the gang. They could ask questions like “Why have you come without baggage?”, “How long is your stay in the city without baggage?” etc. If you are lucky, after answering these few questions you may be freed to proceed. But if they suspected that you were hiding a small bag inside your shirt or banyan or underwear, there is a possibility that you would be asked to “show”! Show indeed!! And, if you got down from the bus with a small bag and thought that you could walk away swinging handbag, you are probably in for a surprise. The gang would surround you and ask you a few more questions such as “What do you think we are standing here for?” “If you people carry your own things, how do you think we are going to feed our families?” etc. If you insist that you do not want to hire the services of a porter to carry the bag, they would say, “OK, but you pay the porter charges all the same, because our livelihood depends on income from carrying luggage, and you can not deprive us of our rights”. That is it! That is what the spread of Communism has done to Kerala. Everyone is conscious of his RIGHTS. It is a moot point that others have rights too!!

In Kolkatta the labour are similarly highly conscious of their rights. In a factory, when the production was disrupted due to power cuts the gardener in the compound who was mowing the lawn simply dropped his tools down to celebrate the power cut!! Communism gives you freedom to celebrate and enjoy at others cost! That is Communism for you.

Communists talk of proletariat, the rights and romance of the proletariat but you would find hardly any of their leaders belonging to the proletariat! They all came from aristocracies! And most of them live like aristocrats, all the time belittling the aristocracy. From Karl Marx to Stalin and Lenin to Yeltsin and Milosivic who did not want luxuries of life? They all had their luxuries but could not stand anyone outside their beliefs to live in luxury!

For the Communists there is no God. Religion is the opium for poor ignorant masses. But, in politics Indian Communists are selective in attacking religions. Like the Congress, Communists bend backwards to please the Muslims. They attack the Hindu outfits to please the Muslim League. Some of the Communist historians go to any length to show the Hindus in bad light. One historian has even found that Somnath temple was never a Shiva Temple. The idols in the Somnath temple were originally of some Pagan Gods of the Arabs which the Muslim invaders destroyed!! Why should the Hindus sweat for that? WOW!!

The Times of India has initiated a novel concept called “Lead India” for selecting (or electing?) leaders for the country based on merit and proved achievements. The idea is laudable and the rationale behind it is noble and interesting. A few days ago Jug Suraya wrote some interesting thoughts on this topic in TOI. He says our problem is hardly lack of leaders in sufficient numbers! We have plenty of them but who will follow the leader. That is the crux of the matter. Each of us thinks of ourselves as leaders, and we are prepared to lead but who is to follow?

The problem is that we are averse to follow any rule. Each individual has his own set of rules to follow. We all agree that corruption is the most wide spread disease that is affecting the progress of our country. We have corruption in all walks of life. We condemn corruption in the morning and indulge in it for the rest of the day, either giving or taking bribes! We have a set of rules for others and another for ourselves!

Our lawmakers have enacted “Right to information bill”. One should think that it is a mockery of public intelligence! Why should a bill be enacted to give the public the right to information? Is it not an admission of the secrecy with which the officials conduct the business of the Government? If the activities of the Government are transparent as it should be, where is the need for the Right to information bill? Even after enacting the law the Government and the officials are doing their best to circumvent it by hook or by crook!

Experts have categorised corruption under two general heads: (a) Collusive corruption and (b) Coercive corruption.
Collusive corruption is one in which both the giver and the taker of the bribes or commissions (for example collusion between a contractor and a govt official) stand to gain and the loser is the exchequer. The corruption is not immediately seen or felt by the common man. Generally the common man is indifferent to this kind of corruption.
Coercive corruption is different. The common man is subjected to this kind of corruption in his daily life. The root of the problem lies in the rules that curtail the freedom of the individual. The hundreds and thousands of rules and regulations that control each and every activity of the Government is the cause for this corruption. The rules are made for the ostensible reason of fair conduct of the Government officials and for the benefit of the ordinary citizen. But these rules have become the cause for corruption.
The common citizen’s ignorance of the innumerable rules that come in the way of his freedom to do anything as he or she wishes combined with his propensity to avoid as many rules as possible, makes it a fertile ground for the law enforcer to demand and take bribes!
Many experts in the field of Government administration have been repeatedly advocating scrapping laws, which are irrelevant and retrograde. But who is to act?

Many find it profitable not to follow rules, because enforcing rules is not an easy task, either for government or for social organisations. For example, in our multi-storied apartment building one of the apartment owners stopped paying maintenance charges to the informal Association of the members. For close to eight years he did not pay and the Association could not do anything to recover the dues, except threatening to stop water supply etc and he would say that the Association has no legal rights to cut off his water supply and that he would get a stay order from the court! The law he would say was on his side! Seeing that this man was getting away with his threats at least six others started defaulting in paying the dues and the maintenance of the building suffered. As suggested by a lawyer we got our Association registered under the Society of Firms and sent legal notices to the defaulters and also got a caveat against any stay order from court against stoppage of water and other services. The defaulters soon came round for settlement with the Association, sensing that a prolonged legal battle would not benefit them. Since the Association was a registered body we were obliged to hold Annual General Body Meeting and submit a copy of the minutes to the Registrar of Societies, along with audited copy of financial statement and audit report. When our representative went to the Registrars office to submit the returns, the junior officer talked to him rudely and told him to come another day. On next visit he would point out some mistake and on the next visit he would ask something else. He would be making several visits without any result. And one day he would openly demand for money in order to accept our returns! For the last two years we resisted paying any bribe money and the officers changed the tactics. They said that the Association should give an affidavit. But an affidavit saying what? The officer would not say. All he said was that you ask the dealer (that is one of the touts walking the premises of the office) and soon it became evident that we must pay the bribe! It cost the Association nearly Rs.5000/- to make the officer accept our returns! That is coercive corruption. Who has the time to fight this petty official who probably is in league with others!
Coercive corruption also is well organised. Our complaints fall on deaf ears and one ends up paying bribes. The only way to reduce corruption is to reduce the procedures and rules to the minimum. For example, when you purchase a new apartment you would want the Electric bills to be made in your name. A simple request is not enough for this. You must go to a tout or agent named by the official, and pay a sum of money to get the work done! You buy a property but you cannot pay the taxes unless you pay a bribe! The official will find a hundred reasons for not accepting the payment!
Traffic in our city is chaotic. You see traffic policemen in groups of three or four in junctions making out receipts for the fines or collecting bribes for not booking for the offences committed by the citizens. If these traffic policemen take the trouble of enforcing the traffic rules by directing the traffic there would be no traffic offence committed. But they are busy collecting bribes! One day a couple of friends travelling in a car stopped at the signals waiting for the green light and he was on the front row, waiting. He saw a traffic policeman standing a little distance away scribbling furiously in his little book and his friend told him jokingly that he was sure the policeman was writing down his number. Sure as his friend said the policeman was writing down his car number, and a few days later he got a letter from the police department asking him to pay a fine of Rs.300/- for rash driving! I am sure the policeman could not have been able to write down the car registration number if he was driving rashly as stated in the letter. Obviously the policeman was only making up his quota of fines and he chose the easiest way and jotted down the number of a stationary car! That is the way they work and we are helpless in changing the system.
So ultimately it is not the quality of the leaders that matter but that of the followers!!

An NRI Indian wife who lived in the USA for many years was shocked to see that in India people are wasting so much water for washing kitchen utensils dishes etc. In America the dishwashers do the job using much less water. What a waste of water she crowed! Just think of the amount of water that could be saved if all the households used dishwashers! Probably there would never be any shortage of water even if the monsoons failed. What a thoughtless nation! I thought, add to this the wastage of water from washing clothes the old way! Washing machines certainly saves water! Think of the water that the Indians would save if they chose to use the toilet paper instead of washing the body parts! Till not long ago, in the west (particularly UK) same bathwater was used over and over by a number of people, which saved a lot of water and heat too!

But all these practices are unthinkable for the Indian. For the Indian, the food and cooking methods are such that dishwashers are of no use. Most Indian housewives take pride in the superb shine of their utensils. Lot of scrubbing and water goes in to the process. Washing machines are catching up in urban areas where housemaids are difficult to come by or too expensive! Most Indians soak their clothes in soap water, beat them thoroughly, squeeze, rinse, squeeze and starch before drying the clothes in sunlight. But with the usage of synthetic fabrics the process has undergone some change.

Toilet paper? No. One may wipe and wipe till the skin peels off but without washing, that yucky feeling will never go away. No amount of wiping will do any good! And think of the yellow-brown stains on under wares and sheets!! Some one should calculate the number of trees that would be saved if the wipers the world over stopped using toilet paper. Probably thousands of hectares of forests would be saved! But who cares. The wipers feel yucky to even think where all the hand of the washer goes for the washing job! Not to worry, a hand is reserved for that purpose!!

Bath is a ritual for the Indian. For most Keralites it is a twice-daily ritual. Bath in a temple pond is considered a purifying procedure though the water in the pond may look yucky and green! But no reusing of bathwater over and over in a bathtub! The green colour of water in the pond is due to the reflection of the greenery of the surroundings, water plants, algae etc. The water plants algae etc are useful for keeping the water clean as also fish and other water animals, which live in, and around the ponds.

Before modernity caught up with Malayalees, oil massage on body and head every morning was common practice for both men and women. Women and men would scrub their bodies with a special scrubber called “eenja” made from the fibres of the bark of a plant and the women would wash their hair with a home made shampoo called “thali” prepared from a mixture of some plant leaves. The sight of a young woman coming out of the bath exuding exotic fragrance and clad in nothing but wet towel called "Thorthu mundu" has fired the imagination of many a poet and writer!! These practices have now given way to more convenient and simple shower bath.

The boom in land prices has encouraged many Indians to dispose off their family land holdings and invest in more profitable ventures and also acquire modern luxuries of life. A friend belonging to North India was telling me how his grand father would not allow a piece of land in his village, measuring about an acre or so, to be sold because he wanted the plot to be retained for his morning ablutions!! He was used to defecating in the open fields all his life and did not want to change this practice in his old age. He feared he would die a painful death due to constipation!! The caress of cool morning breeze on the bottom is too precious an experience to be given up for the mordern Potty!